I thought maybe if I treat letting go as an art form, it may help to 'cushion' the process of releasing things/relationships/jobs/etc. that no longer honor me. Sometimes it can be very easy to release when it is something we are ready to move on from. It is the things that we are most attached to that can create difficulty even though continuing does not feel good. The more we resist letting go, the more painful it becomes because whatever it is that we are not allowing to exit, has 'ran it's course' and now is more toxic then ever.
Toxic relationships. When do you realize that a relationship no longer serves? This can be a relationship to a person, a group, or a job. Really, any kind of a relationship. If you no longer feel you are receiving as much back from it that you are giving, my guess is that it is starting to become toxic, alerting you to places within yourself that are 'toxic-' meaning, ways in which you diminish yourself. I believe relationships serve as the biggest teachers in life as they are direct mirrors to the relationship with the Self. If you are feeling unappreciated, invalidated, unheard, unloved, not approved of, criticized, judged, from another-- ask yourself how you have not been appreciating, validating, listening, loving, or approving of yourself.
When I find I'm not feeling valued or appreciated by another-- I ask, "Can I appreciate myself?" Usually the answer is, "Yes." If it is, "No," then that means I have further questions to ask-- "What's keeping me from appreciating the efforts I am making or have made?" "Why don't I feel like all that I have done is enough?" I continue this process until I can get to a place of feeling self appreciated and then the 'charge' of the situation with the other person disintegrates. It's always about YOU, not about the other person and how they are treating you- it's about how you are treating yourself, every time!
Now, you may ask, 'OK, now that I am able to neutralize these feelings I have from my response to the other person, does that mean I continue to be in relationship with them, even though they continue to behave in dishonoring ways toward me?' That is up to you. Just because you are now able to disengage from the other person's drama, does not mean you are obligated to continue in the relationship. You can still feel immense love for someone but no longer engage with them- letting them go with love & light. Monitor your emotional reactions to someone-- if you are feeling bad more of the time then good, then this is probably a dis-serving dynamic for you. I would also guess, the other person feels badly about themselves more of the time then not, as how they are treating you is a direct reflection to their relationship with their Self. Which again, is all about THEM, not you.
It's a lot easier to blame the other person for making you so angry/hurt, that way you don't have to own your feelings. Because, by taking responsibility for your anger/hurt, you have to look into it and deal with it. For most, this is not some place we like to go. But when we do go there, again, it releases the anger/hurt, and the 'charge' of it in relation to the other-- growth happens. The emotional pattern changes w/this new found insight.
It's all a process and we all have our unique paths of learning how to love and honor ourselves. I give the most loving gratitude to the ones I have experienced intense turmoil with because they have taught me how to love myself in the deepest way. It is no longer necessary for me to continue to have 'audience' with someone who does not treat me in honoring ways, the relationship has served it's purpose. As soon as I am able to release these dis-honoring relationships out of my life, I open up to attracting & allowing healthier, more honoring relationships. Now, if I have not learned the lessons from the dynamic, but have released the relationship, I will eventually find myself with a 'new dance partner,' same dance, until I learn the lesson.
You may be asking, 'What about my relationships with my family of origin, they can be dramatic/toxic, what do I do w/those?' Again, that is up to you & assessing the level of 'toxicity' that you can or cannot tolerate. The perspective I have about this is, family is family, I can tolerate & accept them (from a distance) because they are family and the dynamics are not verbally or physically abusive- there are no forms of violence present. Unhealthy dynamics that show up as friends or colleagues, I certainly do not need to tolerate because they are not 'blood'- having these in the family of origin is more then enough to 'hold space for.'
The human experience is such an ongoing, evolving process, and an art form of managing the emotions of the ego! Treat yourself how you would like to be treated. You will find people showing up in your life that reflect that & the ones who do not, will begin to fall away, or will shift to match in quality, if they choose growth. The key is to allow this process of loving yourself more deeply, to unfold by letting go and trusting that everything is happening for the highest and best good of all involved!
Are you ready to live Drama-Free? Topic of my next Blog.
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